


The Richie Method

by ToSeeAMarchingBand



Series: Byler dump [5]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emo Mike Wheeler, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Richie Tozier and Mike Wheeler Are Twins, hes not an actual emo but he sure acts like it, im literally uploading this and i still dont know the wordcount, no i didnt mistype, pickup limes, rated teen for richie's bad mouth, they in high school in the 21st century yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 12:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20082268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSeeAMarchingBand/pseuds/ToSeeAMarchingBand
Summary: Mike wants to ask Will Byers on a date, but he has no idea how.Too bad his friends have the worst possible advice.





	The Richie Method

**Author's Note:**

> I still haven't seen S3 of Stranger Things. That doesn't affect this story, it's just a fact. I will not be seeing S3.

“Earth to Mike,” Lucas said, laughing as he waved his hand in front of the other boy’s face. He startled, looking over to his group of friends with a glare. 

“Guys-“ He said, but was interrupted by Dustin, who was snickering a bit still. 

“You can’t keep staring at him like that,” he said, stealing a fry off of Max’s tray, who playfully slapped his hand away. Mike knew he was right. He had wasted a solid half of his lunch period just staring across the lunch room at the love of his life. 

Mike sighed. 

“Why don’t you just ask him out?” Max asked, gently dipping her chicken nugget in her barbecue sauce. Mike gasped. 

“He doesn’t even know my name! Imagine how awkward that would be like ‘hey wanna go out’ ‘who the hell are you?’ I just- no,” he rambled, ignoring his friends’ reactions. 

“Wanna know how I asked Eds out?” Richie asked, smirking a bit at his brother. Mike did not want to know, but nodded anyway, understanding that while it might seem like he has good advice, Rich often does NOT. 

“I thought Eddie asked you out?” Dustin asked, and Richie smiled. 

“Exactly! He couldn’t resist my sexy sexy body,” he said, leaning back as far as he could on the stupid bench connected to the lunch table. 

“What does this have to do with anything?” Mike asked, tired of his twin’s bullshit. 

“Just seduce lover boy over there,” he said, pointing his thumb over to where Will was sat with his sister Jane. “And he’ll do all the work for you,”

“Speaking of which,” Lucas said, turning to face Richie. “Where IS Eddie?” He shrugged. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy?”

“Ms. Kershaw kept him after class, something about his essay,” Max explained, also having English with Eddie the hour before lunch. Richie pouted. 

“Poor baby! He hates that woman,” he said, pouring his chocolate milk into his cup of peach cubes like an asshole. 

“So how do I ‘seduce’ Will?” Mike asked, despite the fact that there was concrete proof that Richie had the worst advice known to man. 

“Just be super sexy around him. He looks over at you and he’s like ‘WHOA that guy is HOT I should ask him out’ and then you’re happy,” he said. Max look at him like he just said the funniest joke about Delta Airlines. 

“Hey I just want to point out to you that Mike is in the exact position right now that you’re saying he should put Will in,” she said, and everyone nodded, realizing she was right, because Max is super smart. 

“I’m going to do it anyway,” Mike said, standing up abruptly to dump out his tray, making sure to walk with a little more hip than normal as he passed Will’s table. Jane noticed him, and frowned. 

Will, of course, didn’t notice Mike’s terrible attempts at sexiness, and continued to sit there like an angel eating his french fries. Jane whispered something to him, and he giggled and Mike wanted to DIE. 

He quickly made his way back over to his friends, blushing heavily as he sat back down, ignoring their laughing at him. 

“Mike you looked like someone shoved a bug up your ass,” Max said, leaning on Lucas as she made fun of her friend. 

Everyone was enjoying Mike’s embarrassment except Richie, who was clearly trying his very best not to laugh, and instead patted him on the back. 

“I believe in you,”

“No you don’t,” 

“I mean I don’t, you’re totally right,” he said, nibbling on his sandwich. “But I want you to try again! Maybe something good will come out of it. Maybe Will will come out of it!” He reasoned, smiling a bit at his stupid joke. Mike nodded, and walked away, heading towards the vending machine because he threw away his food despite the fact that he was still hungry. 

“I’ve never seen you be supportive in your LIFE,” Dustin said accusingly, giving him a glare that practically screamed ‘what are you up to, asshole?’

Richie grinned. “I mean, I also want him to try again so I can get a good laugh out of his failed attempts,” he said, shrugging. 

“It’s official” Eddie grumbled as he sat down, dropping his essay on the lunch table in defeat. “Ms. Kershaw is my least favorite teacher of all time,”

“Aww my wittle baby boy is SAD!” Richie said, making kissy faces at his boyfriend, who seated him away. 

“Shut up asshat,” he grumbled, shoving the papers into his bag. “She’s definitely low key homophobic, because she said my essay on Harvey Milk wasn’t a good example of someone who changed the course of history, but the kid who talked about the guy that named Pluto is getting an A,” he ranted, pulling an apple out from his backpack and taking a bite, but angrily. 

After a few minutes of debating whether or not Pluto was a planet (“VIVA LA PLUTO!” Richie screeched), Mike sat back down at the table looking like he was about to cry. 

“He’s just so goddamned beautiful,” he said, before reaching into the bag of chips he got and eating a Funyun. 

“Ew what the fuck? You got Funyuns?” Lucas said, scooting back in his chair as if the snack food would kill him if he got too close. Mike shrugged. 

“I just typed in some random number because I was too distracted,” he said, his head resting on the table in a show of obvious defeat. Lucas laughed. 

“Are you still hung up over Will?” Eddie asked, assuming the silence from Mike was a yes. He rolled his eyes. “Then why haven’t you asked him out yet?”

“It’s not that simple Edward!” He said, turning to face his friend, who was giving him a look that essentially meant ‘you better stop with your whiny garbage’. 

“Oh but it is, Michale,” he said, pointing to Lucas and Max. “They’re dating because she asked him out,” he pointed to Richie. “We’re dating because I asked him out,”

“Your point?” Mike said, ignoring Lucas muttering something about him being emo. 

“ASK HIM OUT!” Eddie practically screeched, and everyone at the table was surprised when Mike seemed to consider this. 

“Ok,” he said, shoving another Funyun into his mouth. “I will. After school!” He said, and his friends cheered, despite the fact that they were all certain he’d chicken out by the end of the day. 

Later, in his English class, Mike woke up from a very good (and totally appropriate) dream about Will to the sound of Eddie’s least favorite teacher, Ms. Kershaw, booting up her projector, as she’s always shouting when it “doesn’t work”. Ms. Kershaw fails to understand that she just doesn’t know how to use it. 

After a few minutes of working on getting her screen to the board which inevitably lead to her asking a student for help, she pulled up a PowerPoint presentation. 

“Because almost everyone is done with their essays,” she announced to the class, and Mike saw her roll her eyes at the statement, obviously thinking about Eddie, and Mike has never wanted to punch the woman more. 

“You will be doing a partner project on a topic of your choosing,” she explained, clicking through the presentation. Mike glanced around the room to see if he had any friends in the class to pair up with, but stopped once Ms. Kershaw continued. “I will be choosing your partners,”

Groans rang out across the class, and she waved her hand around to quiet everyone down. 

“I will be listing the partners. Now, you will have no class time to work on this project, so all research will be done outside of class,” what the absolute fuck. God. Eddie was totally right, Ms. Kershaw SUCKS. 

“Benjamin and Beverly, you’ll work together. Bill and Stanley, you two will work together,” she said, reading the names off her list. Mike blanked out, instead deciding to plan out how to ask Will on a date. 

“Will, you’ll work with Mike,” she announced, and Mike was glad he wasn’t drinking anything because had he been, he’d have done a spit take. 

Ms. Kershaw continued, unaware that she just radically rocked his world. 

“Guess who my favorite teacher is?” Mike said as he slammed his stuff down on his desk in Study Hall. His friends looked up at him with horribly disguised disinterest. 

“Who?” Dustin asked, not looking up from his notebook. 

“Kershaw,”

“Hey fuck you,” Eddie said, glaring at him from his desk a few rows away. Mike shrugged. 

“She paired me up with Will for the project,” Lucas groaned. 

“That stupid fucking project. I can’t believe she has the audacity to not let us do it in class,” he grumbled. 

“Besides, Mike,” Max said, pointing at him with her pencil. “It’s not like she actively chose to pair you together. It was completely random,” she said, and Richie nodded. He wasn’t doing anything, just sitting on Eddie’s desk and playing with his boyfriend’s hair. 

Mike shrugged. “Whatever, losers, I’m going to enjoy this project SO much,”

“Hey! Will, right?” Mike called out, jogging up to his partner. The boy turned around and smiled, nodding. 

“Yeah! And you’re Mike? My English partner?” He said, walking forward with the boy. 

“Yeah, that’s me, uh- so do you wanna go out, maybe tonight?” Mike asked, hoping he wasn’t blushing too heavily. Will’s face lit up.

“Totally! My house or yours? Or the library?” Odd choice for a date, but at least Will knows Mike exists. 

“How about my house? Here, let’s trade numbers and then I’ll text you my address,” he said, reaching out for the other boy’s phone, internally cheering when Will gave it to him. 

They each added their contacts into the phones, and went off to their next classes. 

Mike walked into his history class with a wide smile. 

“Sup?” Dustin said, noticing how peppy his normally moody friend was acting. 

“I asked him out. He’s coming over to my house tonight,” he said, smirking a bit because DAMN he’s got a DATE!

“Nice man!” Dustin said, giving him a high five, that Mike immediately reciprocated. 

“Ugh,” Eddie groaned, walking into the classroom like he was doing an impersonation of a blind zombie. 

“What’s up?” Mike asked, earning a suspicious glare. 

“Why aren’t you being emo? Is someone catfishing you again?” He asked in a wary tone. Mike rolled his eyes. 

“I asked Will out,” Eddie’s eyes widened. 

“And he said YES?” 

“Why are you so surprised? You’re dating Richie, he is LITERALLY a carbon copy of me,” he said, only slightly offended. 

“I-“ he started, stopping for a moment to think of a good excuse. “Honestly I was about to say it was his personality because he’s not nearly as emo as you, but that’d imply that I’m DATING him for his personality, which I certainly am not,” he said, now speaking to himself more than Mike and Dustin. 

“Did I just destroy my brother’s relationship?” Mike quietly asked Dustin, who shrugged. 

“No, he’s the love of my life, shut up,” Eddie muttered, clearly deep in thought and having an existential crisis. 

He walked to his seat, leaving Mike and Dustin in confusion. 

“Anyway,” Mike said, still staring at Eddie. “I need help deciding what to wear,”

“You have a brother AND a sister,” Dustin said, grabbing his History textbook from his bag. Mike snorted. 

“You expect me to take outfit advice from my brother who, might I remind you, wears Hawaiian shirts every day?” 

“I’m not the best to go to either. Try Steve,” he suggested, and Mike smiled. 

“His advice did get you a TON of ladies back in middle school,” he said, snickering at Dustin’s slightly miffed expression. He rolled his eyes. 

“What-“

“Wheeler. Please take your seat,” Mr. Carlson said as he walked into the classroom. 

Later that night, wearing the blue button up Steve suggested (“you have some god awful fashion, Mike, at least what Richie wears is cool to SOMEONE”), Mike sat patiently on his bed, waiting for Will. 

He was texting Max, asking her if she wanted to go to the arcade soon, when his doorbell rang. 

“I’ll get it!” Richie screamed, knowing full well that Will was at the door and that he should NOT be getting it. 

“NO!” Mike yelled down the stairs, but it was too late. 

“Hey... Mike,” Will said, slightly off put by the sudden change of appearance in his friend. 

“William my man, my darling friend, come in, the water’s warm!” He said, slinging an arm around Will’s shoulders. When he was walking inside he saw the REAL Mike on the stairs, and froze. 

“Mike?”

“Richie get the hell out of here,” he said, glaring at his twin who smiled and ran off, hopefully to play with Holly. 

“What just-“

“Sorry, he thinks he’s funny,” Mike said, walking over to take Will’s coat. “Wanna come upstairs?”

“Yeah sure thanks,” he said, still looking in the direction Richie ran off to in confusion. That’s when Mike noticed his backpack. 

“That was my twin, Richie,” he explained, leading his friend upstairs, trying not to think about why he brought a backpack to a date. 

“I see,” Will said, walking into Mike’s room with a smile. “So. What are we going to do for our project?” And suddenly Mike wanted to cry. 

“I was thinking we could talk about...” Mike racked his brain to think of any topic. “Harvey Milk?” Will’s eyes lit up. 

“Oh that’s a GREAT idea! Yeah let’s do that!” He said, pulling his laptop from his backpack and booting it up. Mike nodded. 

“Great, I left my laptop downstairs, lemme just go... go get it,” he said, sprinting downstairs, wishing he could trip on the way and break his neck. 

Grabbing his phone too, he texted his friends. 

Mike: RED ALERT

Lucas: what? Is he a psycho? u bout to die?

Dustin: i bet he’s straight

Mike: he thinks it’s a meet up to work on our project

Max: BIG OOF

Eddie: f in the chat

From down the hall Mike could hear Richie cackling. He grabbed his backpack, and rushed upstairs, not wanting to make Will Wait. 

Later that night, as Will was leaving, he paused on Mike’s porch, turning towards the boy. 

“This was fun! Well, as fun as a study session can be,” he said, laughing a bit. Mike couldn’t help but laugh as well. “We should do it again sometime,” he said, smiling as he walked towards his car. 

“Yeah... we- we should!” He said, smiling. 

“Text me!” Will called out. 

Mike: I am still in love

Max: well id hope you didnt drop his ass because of a misunderstanding 

Mike: he told me to text him

Richie: awww mikey boys got a crush

“So that was TOO subtle,” Mike said as he sat down at his lunch table, his chocolate milk nearly flying off of his tray. Lucas nodded. 

“So much for Eddie’s advice,”

“Correlation is not causation, dipshit,” Eddie grumbled. 

“It is when you CAUSE him to embarrass himself in front of his crush,” Lucas argued, slamming his fist down, nearly smashing his tater tots. 

“I didn’t tell him to ask Will out in such a way that made it seem like he was inviting him over to work on his English project!” Eddie said, leaning forward across the table. “Speaking of which, Mike, what are you doing for your project,?”

“Uh, the Milk guy...” he said, looking away, not desiring the look that Eddie was almost certainly giving him. 

“You fucking moron,” he said is an icy voice, leaning back to stare at his friend. “Were you listening to a WORD I said about Kershaw and how she’s literally homophobic?”

“Oh shit,”

“You’re going to get Will an F because you’re dumb as SHIT!” He yelled, throwing his tater tots at his friend. 

“I have an idea of how you can ask him out,” Lucas said suddenly, stopping Mike’s assault. He looked at him with wide eyes. 

“What?”

“Use a pickup lime!” He said and Mike sighed, sitting back down again. 

“I don’t know any good pickup lines,” he said glumly, picking at his semi frozen burger. Lucas rolled his eyes. 

“Not pickup lines. Pickup LIMES,” he said, pulling out a lime from his backpack for some stupid reason. 

“Hey what stupid reason do you have for keeping a lime in your backpack?” Max asked, suddenly worried that she was dating a weirdo. 

“Literally this exact scenario. Mike’s been thirsting after Will for AGES, so why not be prepared for when he wants to make a move?” He reasoned, grabbing a sharpie too. 

“I know a ton of pickup lines that I NEVER got to use because Eds asked me out first,” Richie said, cracking his knuckles. 

“You’re acting like you didn’t CONSTANTLY use them on me,” Eddie grumbled, still upset that Mike hadn’t listened to him earlier. Richie ignored him. 

“How about- are you the first porridge that Goldilocks tried? Because you’re way too hot for me,” he said, winking a lot. Eddie sighed while Mike gasped. 

“Perfect,” and with that, Lucas wrote it down on the lime. 

“Go get ‘em, tiger,” he said, smiling as Mike stood up and walked over to Will and Jane’s table. 

Will grinned when he saw Mike, waving him over and patting the seat next to him. “Hey Mike!” He said, not noticing the lime in the other boy’s hand. 

“Hey Will,” with that, Mike gently tossed the lime at his crush. “Think fast,” Will gasped, looking down at the lime. 

Mike was about to ask what he thought, when he realized the writing was nowhere near where Will was looking. 

“Are you starting a food fight?” Will asked, completely genuine. Mike began to shake his head NO, but it was too late. Will chucked the lime at Mike, knocking him unconscious immediately. 

“I cannot express this enough- the most straightforward thing you could do is say ‘do you want to go on a date?’ ok Mike?” Max whispered the next day, the two looking at the boy in the library. Mike sighed. 

“Yeah but I’ve already embarrassed myself so much, there’s no way he’d say yes,” he said, leaning on a bookshelf despite the fact that a bookshelf is NOT the most stable thing he could use. 

“Suck it up, buttercup,” Dustin said as he was browsing through the books, looking for something cool about snakes, because snakes are cool and books about snakes are the coolest. 

“Richie embarrassed himself in front of me so many times, and I still asked him out,” Eddie said, pushing Mike towards the computer Will was seated at. 

“Hey!” Richie complained, turning towards his boyfriend from where he was also looking for books about snakes. They would never find a book about snakes though, as they were in the historical fiction section. 

“Fine. I’ll do it,” Mike said, walking over to Will. Except he didn’t walk over to Will, because Will was no longer sitting where he had been only moments prior. “Never mind I guess I won’t,” he said, doing a 180 and turning right back around to face Eddie and Max. 

The two sighed at their friend. 

“He’s just-“

“Hey,” Will said from behind Mike, startling a boy, who screamed. 

“SHH!”

“Sorry!” Mike whispered to the library, looking down at Will again. “What’s up,”

Will was blushing a lot more than someone who was just asking about an English project. 

“Well I was wondering, Mike, if you wanted to go out with me. Like, on a date, not a study session or whatever,” he said, smiling a bit, and it took all of Mike’s will not to pass out right then and there. 

“I- uh-“ 

“He’d love to, Will,” Eddie said, peeking his head out from behind the boy. Will smiled, then turned to look back up at Mike. 

“Wanna pick me up at 8? We can see a movie,” he said, winking and then walking off, probably to his next class based off the bell that just rung. 

Nobody moved, of course. 

“He asked ME out,” Mike said, a dopey grin spreading on his face. Richie cheered from the background. 

“I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG FUCKERS!”

“SHHH!"

**Author's Note:**

> nice job, you made it through. now go back and see if there were any typos because I need to know, my lawyer is asking for them.
> 
> Send me prompts and requests to my Tumblr @llama-raptor-russian-bean


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